if you like me you must not know who I am
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
