I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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