I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
