Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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