Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
