i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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