Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
