you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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