if i can run in heels then i can drive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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