im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
