Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
