Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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