I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We are two peas in an std pod
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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