I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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