I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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