you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
