i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
