What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
