im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
