There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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