I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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