i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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