my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
