Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
