I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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