Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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