Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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