A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
