Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
