I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
