Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
