i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
