my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
