i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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