how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My penis needs a shock collar
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
