My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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