No subtext here. People are naked.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
