i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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