I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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