Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
