I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
