the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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