Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
