Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
