no. you can't hotbox the world.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
