i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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