I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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