1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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