You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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