Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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