he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
