Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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