So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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