I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
