she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
