Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I will pee on everything he values.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
