I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
