just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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